I’m sick of this whole “poor me” crap. I think it’s about time I get out of whatever this is… A rut? Insha’allah everything will work out, but nothing is getting better with me being a grumpymope. Time to move on.
When I really need a friend you’re the farthest one from me.
“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.”
asdfhjklsklsdksjkdsh.
Everything feels =| All the time these days. I’m so worried, all the time. My nanabapu is getting worse. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stay strong anymore. they just found out that there are cysts in his kidneys. What. =( I feel so helpless. All I keep doing is making dua. Everyone around me is on edge… all the time. Even a bit of a snarky tone will set everything off. All I’d really like to do though is cry and curl up in a ball. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could help, but I can’t and it just makes it all blah. I am going to try to be optimistic though. I guess that’s just the way I am anyway, I could be going crazy on the inside with all these things going on, but still laugh and be normal on the outside. I thought that was all I had to worry about for a while, but then these fights keep coming up with my better half. I was talking to bT today, about everything really. We ended up getting to the topic about why __ hasn’t married me yet. It sucked because he’s an “outsider” so to speak, and he will tell me things the way they really are. So when he said the same thing we both knew, it kind of hit me hard. The same old, get married blah blah ness, and then he was like if he had the guts to tell you he loved you, then he should also be a man enough to do something about it especially with his parents. & I told him he’s trying as hard as he can, it’s not like I want to force him. That’s the last thing I want, because making him distance from his family is wrong. That’s like closing one door of Jannah for him. Why would I do that. & Insha’allah I never do. BT said that he should either tell his parents what he wants, or not talk to me until he’s ready to do something about it, because he shouldn’t just string me along. I wish people understood how difficult this is, but then again that would mean having to explain it all… sometimes I wish it were easier. I know it’s just as hard for him though, he’s trying his hardest to juggle so much. & I’ve been so rude to him these days. I feel like I’m pushing him away. I hope he doesn’t end up hating me for it. =( So many thoughts all at once, so disorganized.
You’re different now. & all I really need I’d a hug. & it sucks, because I hope we haven’t changed too much this time. I can’t imagine life without you, but we’ve been fighting so much lately. Which in a way is healthy, but not when it’s hurtful ya’know? I don’t want to fight like this forever.
It’s like everything all at once, and no one to come and give me a hug and tell me it’s going to be alright not even my mother. It’s the grandfather and the mothers temper, the lack of sleep, and being a better Muslim, it’s my cousin hating me, and him finding faults in me. Its his parents not approving, and him thinking we’re on different levels. Its The proposals, that sound like an easy way out. It’s everything all at once and I can’t take it anymore.
Now I’m not gonna be religious enough for his parents. I am so close to just giving up, if only I didn’t love him so much. Deep down I don’t think they will ever approve.
